Birthday Boy

My nephew turned one yesterday. We had a little smash cake to acknowledge his birthday, and tomorrow we will have a small get together for a BBQ and swimming. The weather is already in the nineties, so it should be a fun day. I preorderd his birthday hat & shirt from Etsy and then requested the smash cake be designed with the same colors and mod monkey, so cute! I forgot to snap a pic of the cake before he put his hand in it, (and hated it!).

Here's a few photo's from yesterday.

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On the weight loss front, I have begun my second round of the HCG Protocol and have released 11.20 so far. My previous round I released 30 lbs! So 41.20 gone forever! I decided I will finish tackling the weight issue before moving onto IVF, so we will be starting late summer instead of early summer. I figured two months is not going to make or break me, and what I gain from a lower BMI is probably worth the trade off.

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Lots of BS occurring on the work front, which has been a source of stress for me. Trying to surrender to the situation and trust in the outcome, whatever that maybe.

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Hope you're all doing well, I have been trying to catch up on some blogs, feeling a little out of the loop. Funny how secondary IF becomes when you have other things to focus on.

Free IVF Clinical Trial _ UPDATE

Just found this link for a free IVF clinical trial with 1100 slots open. Please call and see if you qualify, come back and let us know if you get in! Last time I tried this I was not elgible due to my weight (BMI) but I might qualify now that I have lost over 35 pounds!!!! Fingers crossed, please spread the word! http://www.ivf-free.com/2012/04/free-ivf-clinical-trial-1100-ivf-slots.html

Update:

Sorry all, I attempted to call for this study and it appears the contact number is not correct- that agency provided is not heading up this trial, here is the link I found on it - it is being conducted out of another country but that clinic in NY is participating so there might be more US clinics involved. I won't qualify due to my age :( http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT00756028?term=NCT00756028&rank=1

 

Imagine What It's Like With a Baby

I was on the phone with my sister the other day, telling her all the things we had to get accomplished over the weekend and how busy weekends are at times....when she suddenly replied with  "imagine what it's like with a baby". 

Little does she know, I do and have imagined what it's like with a baby for a very long time, especially over the past 3+ years. I don’t get angry at these ignorant comments people make anymore because I know it's just that, ignorance. However I often wonder if they would make similarly ill-mannered comments in other sensitive situations.

Would one make a comment about what it's like to have a full head of hair to a cancer patient that has gone through chemo? 

What it's like to have large breasts to a women who has gone through a double mastectomy?

How bright it is outside to someone who is blind? 

How hard it is to find shoes in your size to someone with no feet? 

How hard it is to run a marathon to someone who is in a wheelchair? 

How hard it is find space for all the groceries to a starving person? 

I just have to wonder if the above comments goes without saying, then why is it so hard for people to understand that when they make reference to how difficult, tiring, exhausting, expensive it is to have a baby to an infertile, it's just as blatantly hurtful?

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I had my nephew here with me for a while today and kept him for a full 24 hrs last weekend. What a joy he was to have around and so much easier these past two visits because he was no longer sick. He was an angel! Only cried when he was wet, hungry or tired. Simple enough for me! Last weekend we went shopping, out to eat, in the Jacuzzi (I only kept it at body temperature like a bath)....did a photo shoot....what a fun day. We equipped our house with a walker, pack & play and stroller. Only thing left to get is a car seat, but we just use my sisters when needed. Today we went for a walk, did another photo shoot (believe it or not he loves them!) and cruised around in his walker. He likes when I sing to him, which is amazing because my dogs hide when I start singing...my voice is THAT bad!

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Practice photo shoot for Jakes upcoming 1 year Birthday in afew weeks.

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Some-bunny loves you!

I still can't believe how much my life has changed this year. Constantly in complete awe, thanking God everyday!

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I begin my next round of HCG in a week- which means another 30lbs will bite the dust. I am loving 2012 without a doubt.

It's not What you say....but ..how you say it

As you know from this recent post, I was really concerned with my sister smoking around my nephew…for obvious reasons. Well as it turns out, they were legitimate concerns (not that was ever in question). She had to take him to urgent care for what turned out to be (another) bad ear infection. My sister said this was his third one in a row, so I started doing research on repeated ear infections in babies. It wasn’t long before every single article I read was pointing towards smoke. It became clear that the repeated ear infections where either a direct result of,  or enhanced by my sister smoking in the car with him. I was so frustrated because I knew if I called her out on it, that it could end up in another disagreement that could last anywhere from days to weeks or even years. I also knew that I couldn’t refrain from say anything at all, that would be like watching her physically abuse him and not protect him. So I thought long and hard about it, and after chatting it over with some long term IF friends, decided the best thing to do was send her an email with a link to an article explaining how and why babies get ear infections, which had a decent amount of detail on cigarette smoke. The email just explained how I did some research because I was concerned he was getting repeated ear infections, and thought I would pass along my findings without pointing out the applicable part of the article and stated I hoped she found it helpful.

A couple days went by and I didn’t hear back from her. In the interim I had called my mother to vent, and ended up in a fight with her - she actually hung UP on me, and of course she defended my sister, as always. After further thought and a discussion with my brother, it became very clear that my mother is not the one to call when I want to vent about my sister or her behaviors, this is the same women who defended her smoking while pregnant. My bad, lesson learned.

It’s really tough when you know right from wrong and you can’t get the validation or support you need from your own family. Thankfully my brother and I, see eye to eye on this subject. Really who wouldn’t?! But you know, there’s some in every family.

Long story short, my sister called me a day or two later, saying how she read the article and decided she wasn’t going to smoke in the car with him anymore. The tone in her voice was as though she made a big huge revelation and had no idea that smoking near him like that could actually harm him. Yes, I was a bit dumb founded, but was quickly reminded that not everybody really understands what others might see as common sense. And you sadly do not need to pass a test to be become a parent.

So while it’s very unfortunate that it had to come to me sending her information in an email saying it might not be a good idea to smoke in the car with your baby who ended up with 3 ear infections after 3 long road trips in the car with him, I am just really happy she got the message without getting mad at me. Big Victory!

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I spent the day with my nephew yesterday and I am not gonna lie, I was exhausted. I was also questioning my ability to parent at this age. Seriously!!!! I only had him from 9-5 and I was certainly pooped. And he is a really good baby. So it had me question how the heck I am going to ever do this full-time. Someone please tell me this is normal?! To be scared that I won’t have what it takes to parent 24x7?!


Here are some pics I took of him yesterday, he is 11 months old:

 
 
I finally got a call from the organization I signed up to volunteer with. I cleared my TB test and background check and am able to begin working! The organization is called City House - and its emergency housing for children mostly brought to them by CPS who are in need of urgent short term care, usually until court cases are processed. I got the position I applied for (Rock & Roll the babies and/or Play Dates with Toddlers) and begin in a couple weeks. I will be going in every other Saturday for a few hours. I cannot wait! To think I went from nothing going on, to all of these changes in such a short amount of time. Getting my health back, my relationship with my sister, nephew and now volunteer work with babies that I initiated last year. My heart is full.

Summer Sanguinity

It’s been a while since I have day dreamed. I have been so preoccupied with the things in life that were once lacking for so long but are now consuming every minute of my thoughts and days. My new found health, weight loss, and nephew have turned my world upside down (or shall I say backside up?) It’s an odd notion, to be in a place where I can let go of the struggle and breathe again. Where I feel somewhat normal again, but most importantly where I find myself dreaming again, about what it might be like to be healthy person with a normal weight, and perhaps even a baby. I have been swimming upstream for so long, it’s unusual to be able to float along with the current now….imagine that?

You might wonder how I can feel this way, when clearly I haven’t attained my heart’s desire yet,  I am obviousely not pregnant. But for anyone who has been following me for a while, you know that my weight, health, and fertility issues have all been struggles for me for years now. So while I might not be where I wanted to be over three years ago, I am certainly much closer to getting there.

Sadly, I gave up fantasizing a while ago. What point was there in visioning a baby on my hip when I couldn’t even get a grasp on my health? When I couldn’t even find a doctor who could help me and tell me why I couldn’t lose weight, or even scratch why – bypass that and tell me how?! I lived without answers for so long, I was forced into problem solving instead of day dreaming. I was a fat infertile girl on a mission – knowing in my heart that both were connected, and that if I could solve one part of the puzzle, I certainly put all the pieces together.

Until recently, (and a whopping 28 lbs thinner I might add) I have begun to allow my thoughts to drift again. Pleasant thoughts, let’s say ones of me in a bikini with my newly found body, sporting a baby bump! Wouldn’t that be the best of both worlds! And for the record, if I can look as cute as Kourtney K ardashian well then so be it! Even if your not a fan, there is no denying she is one smoking hot momma, belly and all!

 One might think I am nuts for wanting to be pregnant after finally being able to lose weight, but I would sacrifice my body in a heartbeat for a child. It’s not about having this amazingly fit physique to gaze at, while it would be nice for both my husband and myself to reap the eye candy rewards of my years of relentless hard work, there is plenty of time for that, we have waited this long, another 9 months certainly wouldn’t be a long wait in comparison.

I find myself thinking about how in another 2 months, I will be 60 lbs thinner than I was coming into the New Year. And I also think about how in another 3-4 months we will be embarking on our IVF journey. And while some might fantasize about Mr Right, divine desserts, a day of pampering or a nice tropical vacation…..my mind is solely focused on two things. Me in a bikini, sporting a baby bump, growing a healthy baby inside me.